Saturday, December 31, 2005

Why Me Lord?

I check my voice mail and Sandy Springs called. Now don't get too excited. The message said that they want me to come in for a second interview on Wednesday January 11. BUT I'm supposed to start at the New York Times on Monday January 9. Do you see the conflict? So now I really don't know what to do.

I think God is testing my faith. Will I step out on faith and believe that the Lord will protect me. Can I find it in myself to call of the New York Times and tell them I'm not coming even though the job has not been confirmed. I just don't know what to do but I'm open to all ideas and suggestions.

Friday, December 30, 2005

On a Whim

I can't believe it. Twice in one month I'm going to live life spontaneously. Since my sister Mocha Angel has backed out on me for New Year's Eve I have decided to say fuck it. So I'm going to NYC for the weekend to spend it with my boy Trinidad Brotha. Going to watch the ball drop from the warmth of the ESPN the Magazine party or something like that. I just bought a ticket for a not so bad price on hotwire and I'm going as of tomorrow morning.

But this trip isn't going to be all pleasure. I'm packing an extra suitcase so my mom or my brother can get it from me. Might as well get one load of my stuff in NYC. I'll be gone until Tuesday so peace out ya in the New Year!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Shredding the Past

I'm packing because whether I stay or whether I leave I still have to get the heck up out of my house because I am renting it out. My mom bought me a shredder (Thanks Mom!) and it has to be one of the best presents I have ever received because I was desperately in need of it.

I have been shredding so much that the shredder has overheated several times. I guess it wasn't built for the high powered shredding I have been doing. Being the pack rat that I am it feels so good to throw away stuff...lots of stuff. I have thrown away so many garbage bags of stuff I have lost count. And I guess because of the size of my house I didn't think I had that much stuff to throw away, but apparently I do.

Since 1999 I have been lugging all my NABJ stuff from state to state. And today I looked at it and said you know what, that is two years of my life that I'm ready to get rid of. I remember what I did and I don't necessarily need to keep a copy of all the crap to know what I did during my term of service to the organization both while on the Board of Directors and after serving on the BOD. So with a little bit of guilt I'm shredding that part of my life. The guilt is because NABJ is a 30 year old organization whose record keeping in the past hasn't always been great. A lot of the history of the organization from the early years can be found in the attics, basements and closets of members and former board members from those years. But I'm going to hope and pray that the record keeping is good enough now that I don't have to keep a record in my home. Plus I know Hurricane will forever keep the copies of his stuff from that time because he is more of a pack rat than I am.

Does anyone feel me on the pleasure of shredding (or shedding) the past? And as soon as I know if I'm staying or leaving I'll make an announcement to the world. I have not heard from the city of Sandy Springs so I'm going to proceed as if I'm moving to NYC. The movers will be here on Thursday January 5. And I think the shredder has cooled off from the last overheating so I'm back to shredding my past.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The Heat is Off

I just got my gas bill today for the past month and it is double what I paid the previous month. So for the remainder of my time in this house the heat will be off. I have a small space heater I can use. At night I can sleep with my heating pad or electric blanket if it gets that cold. But I refuse to have another gas bill for over $100 when it is just me in this house.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

How strong is my hate

Hate is such a strong word. There are few people that I can truly say I hate. I most definitely hate Hurricane. No doubt about that one in my mind. What that man did to me is unforgivable. But there is another person I hate to admit that I hate...but I do. He is my flesh and blood but the things this man does and says I just cannot accept. So I'm putting it out here. I hate my brother Mark.

No mother ever wants to have to choose between her sister ever wants to have to choose between her brother and her neice. But my brother is a grown ass man who has made the decisions that have caused his life to be as it is. But my neice is still a child who unfortunately her present and her future are influenced by my brother. So I choose her and I will choose her every time because anything is possible for her future.

My brother has destroyed my neice to the point that she has no drive to live...she has no ambition...she is sad and depressed. And what hurts me most is there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried...others have tried. I just pray...a lot...and hope that when she turns 18 she'll go out to Ohio for awhile to be with her mom and siblings that my brother has kept her away from for all these years and then she'll come to her we'll make things right.

So what compelled me to write this post you might ask. I spoke to my neice the other day and she said she really wanted to see my home in Atlanta before I moved back north and asked if I would ask her father if she could come visit me for X-mas. Well I haven't spoken to my brother since April of this year because he is the biggest asshole on the planet and I just can't be involved with someone who hurts my neice mentally and emotionally as he has and still does. So since my mom was coming down here for X-mas I asked her to ask him. At first he said yes...notice I said at first...but as always he found some bullshit reason to say no. So while my mother was on the phone I screamed "I fucking hate you." And sadly those words are true. I don't feel bad for saying them...although I probably should...he is an evil man that hurts anyone that loves him and like his father will die alone regretting all that he did to the people in his life that cared about him.

I know...and everyone in my family...and all his friends know...that the day my neice leaves his home she will never come back. And I'm okay with that. Because there are others in my family that love her dearly and will do anything for her. I have always wanted my neice with me but I was never really at a point where I could have her with me. But one of the schools she is interested in is Georgia State.

So God...if you are listening to me...please protect my neice....give her the strength and wisdom to look beyond her present and plot out a prosperous and happy future for herself. God, if I'm supposed to stay in Atlanta...make it happen...and give me the strength and wisdom to help my neice. Guide her to wherever I may be and I promise to give her the love, attention and support she has never received from my brother. And God open my brothers eyes and mind and heart. Help him to realize that if your own children can't love you, how can anyone else? Help him to see the importance of family and the power of love. Lastly over my mother. I hate getting her caught in the middle of me and my brother. I know it hurts her how seperated me and my siblings have become. She always talks about wanting us to come together and before she dies...if that is your will Lord God then make it so. I know all it takes is the faith of a mustard seed but when it comes to my family truly coming together that is where I lose all faith. But Lord God you have led me this far and I may have struggled and hurt but you have never led me astray. So in you Lord God I put my trust and you Lord God I whatever is your will I will walk that path.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Dear God, it's me, Mystified

God and I have a good working relationship. There was a period where I turned my back on him but once I really got past the death of my father God and I were straight. Well lately God is throwing me some curve balls and I don't know what he wants for me anymore.

As y'all know I wasn't exactly thrilled with my former employer. At one point my job was great and a lot of fun. I had a great schedule and my life outside of work really balanced well with my daily grind. But I took a step in to management and kind of lost that balance.

As a "hazard" of my job I would listen to the 2 Live Stews every day on my way to work. Once you get used to the yelling it really is a good show. Big sister gorgeous one had the idea that maybe I should be the entertainment reporter for their show. So she got the ball rolling and I hesitantly submitted my information. I didn't hear anything back so I assumed that I wasn't cute enough and they had picked someone else. Well they FINALLY called in late October and I have been off and on kicking it with the Stews doing entertainment reports since then.

Around the same time I get a call from the New York Times and they offered me my dream job and a way out of my then current job. The Stews weren't really offering me anything concrete so as much as I would love to stay in Atlanta I said it was time for me to go. Ever since I said yes to the NYT God has been throwing me curve balls.

First, the Stews offer me a position. It doesn't pay enough to be my only job but it's a decent bit of chump change. So I try...and 790 the zone work out something with my then current employer. It was a no go and because blogs are public I will not go in to the details of that sordid mess. We had exhausted every option...or so I I was back to full throttle NYC.

On my last day of working for my old employer I get a's the city of Sandy Springs. On December 5 I got an email on Atlbutterflies about job openings in Sandy Springs. On December 8 I sent them my resume. On December 14 they called for an interview. On December 22 I have an interview.

What does all of this mean? I'm trying to figure out what God is doing to me. I think maybe he presented the NYT offer because he knew I would never leave my old job without something solid lined up. But maybe his plan is not for me to leave Atlanta but to step out on faith and do something different.

I am a very decisive person and this entire situation is making me out to be this indecisive flake. And that's just not me. I have always done what was expected of me in terms of my career. NYT is the next logical step. Notice the word logic. Y'all know I'm part crazy and that crazy part of me questions my chosen career path.

I thought going to NYT was my dream...and in a way it still is. I always said that I would only go back north if I worked for the New York Times and that is now happening. BUT it's okay to have more than one dream and it's like radio is so refreshing to me. It is so much fun...I can't remember the last time I truly had fun doing a job. It's so much fun it doesn't feel like work. I never really considered radio before because I don't think I have a radio voice. I never considered TV before because I don't have the uniform TV look. I refuse to have to get permission to put some braids in my hair.

So I'm back to square one...or so it seems...I don't want to go but it didn't seem like I could stay. But if I get and take this job with Sandy Springs I may be committing journalism suicide. If I seriously turn down the NYT I may never be able to go back in to full time journalism. But if I was a manager I would want someone fully committed and excited about coming...not someone who is hesitant. A year from now I may not even be qualified to work at NYT given that I will have been out of the game.

I already know what I would say to them because y'all know I over analyze everything and come up with a plan A, B, C and D before A even has a chance to happen. I thank you for the opportunity and it has been an extremely difficult decision but I'm going to take some time off from journalism to try some other things. This is the only time in my life I'll be able to do something like this and I really want to explore some of my other interests.

My mom...I swear how she approaches things some times kills me...when y'all meet her y'all are not going to understand why I'm so loud and high strung when my momma ain't nothing like that. But I call my mom and say mom I have a job interview with the city of Sandy Springs. Her response...good...and. Y'all know her and the rest of my family are hung up on this house that none of them have ever seen. And they think I am absolutely, certifiable, institution qualified crazy for leaving my home and coming back up north. When I tell her how God is confusing me she says no one buys a house if they aren't serious about settling where they are. You have made Atlanta your home and I just can't see you leaving it.

I would say pray for me but it seems other people's prayers of me not leaving ATL have been working to make my present and future one big I won't say pray for me but you might mention to God that he needs to bluntly answer me because I have never been good at reading between the lines.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

One Last Time

Since everyone has been asking about Mr. Potential I said to myself...let me send him an email saying goodbye.

So I sent him an email:
I know we haven't talked in a minute but I just wanted to say goodbye. I got a job with the New York Times so I'm moving to NYC at the end of this month.

He replied:
Congratulations!!! I know your mom will be happy...

I responded with:
Would you like to get a drink before I go?

Now that one I don't expect him to respond too...hell I didn't expect him to respond to the first email.

But looking back...I sure would like to hit that again for goodbye/old time's sake. Hell I would like to get at Military Man again before I go...if I could. But I'm sure that's just the hormones talking cause I'm in need of some lovin'...with the stress of ending one job, moving, finding someone to rent out my house and starting a new job I could sure use some stress relieving nookie.

Could also explain why I probably got so upset about the one that got away. He got that extra good lovin' that Jill Scott be singing about.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

First of many

Today is a sad day. It is the first of many goodbyes I will have to say.

Today I said goodbye to my dating and relationship blog that I did for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution for almost two years. Misadventures in Atlanta

But it is the closing of one chapter in my life and the start of a new one. I welcome all the bloggers and lurkers from Mia over to my personal spot. Hopefully we'll get to know each other even better and will have even more adventures and misadventures to share.

So goodbye...and welcome.

Monday, December 12, 2005

More confused than ever

Every time I ask the one that got away to come out here his excuse is always some party. He has to go to some party or help a friend with some party. So what in the hell am I supposed to think but that the man disses me every time for a party?

So I got tickets to the Babyface concert, last minute of course. I ask him if he wants to go, I'd fly him out here ASAP. One minute he's all like great. Next minute, when I said the flight back would be for Sunday, he's like hell no. Why not? I have a party to go to on Saturday. What the fuck? So I say I'm done. I will never, ever ask him to come out here again because I'm tired of getting dissed for parties.

Then he proceeds to call me a selfish, trifling ass. WHAT!?!??! I don't ever ask you for shit and I'm a selish, trifling ass. He said that just because I can pay for a ticket I expect him to drop everything and come here. Again I say WHAT!??!?!?

Come to find out the latest party he is dissing me for is supposedly a party with a purpose that he has been working on for awhile. Fine. My point is party with a purpose or not he clearly does not have time for me so I'm done trying. I'm done asking this man to come and see me to be disappointed every time. He doesn't have time for me now and he probably never will.

He blew the situation way the hell out of proportion bringing up things I'm not even going to mention on this blog. Just fucking unbelievable.

Now y'all know how I feel about him. There is NOTHING I would not do for this man but I'm the selfish, trifling ass. I make it a point to interfere as little as possible in his life but I'm the selfish, trifling ass. Every one tells me to talk to him about moving to Atlanta or moving back East but I say I could never ask that of him because I want him to pursue his dreams and be happy but I'm the selfish, trifling ass. Now ain't that some shit for ya? Ain't that about a bitch?

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Don't want to go

I don't really wanna stay
I don't really wanna go
But I really need to know
Can we get it together
Get it together

I don't really wanna go
I don't really wanna stay
But I really hope and pray
Can we get it together
Get it together

I LOVE ATLANTA...there is no doubt about that. And as much as I would love to stay I just cannot remain a slave on the plantation that is my 9 to 5. I have gotten an offer to do radio but it's not enough to pay the bills and maintain the somewhat comfortable lifestyle I have. But I'm going to keep praying cause I'm not sure what God's plan is for me. Does he want me to go back home to NJ? Does he want me to stay here in Atlanta? God give me some kind of sign or clue.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

What happens in Vegas...

What happens in Vegas never happened thus I can't talk about something if it never happened. But let's just say I'm not quite as vanilla as I was before I went to Vegas and I'm definetely not as vanilla as I was a year ago.