What Lies Beneath

I am really amazed by my new hair color. Everyone thinks it's my natural color but it's so unique to me that you'll never find my color on the shelf of your local hair supply store. Illumination naturally lightens your hair color by 2 shades. The color that comes out is what is within you. So when I have kids and if they come out with my current hair color, I won't be surprised.

All this thought about my hair made me think about all the things that lie beneath the surface within each and every one of us. I'm a tough cookie on the outside because inside there are so many wounds and scars from past experiences. Sometimes I think underneath it all I'm still just that 6-year-old girl hiding under the bed crying and talking to God...asking him why is he punishing me...what did I do wrong that he took my Dad away from me.

I'm heading in to a rough month. The beginning of March is my birthday...but the end of March marks the anniversary of my father's death. TWENTY YEARS...I can't even believe it has been TWENTY YEARS. My dad was so sick and he knew it. He once told my mom he knew he wouldn't live to see his daughter grow up. I told her well then he should have never had me. My mom got so upset with me for saying that. But if I knew I was going to die I wouldn't bring another life in to this world. Because after experiencing growing up without my father I would never want the majority of my children's lives to be spent without me here to guide them and watch them grow.

There is a huge gap in my life from losing my father so young. Some days I'm better at hiding just how big of a gap it is...but today doesn't seem to be one of those days.