It's been a few weeks and my Mom is adjusting to her new life as a semi-retiree. She still wants a job but during the day she is spending a lot of time at church. She will go to prayer service and to programs for the unemployed that are held at church.
Being a caregiver can be a thankless and stressful job. I don't think my Mom and I have argued this much since I was a teenager. But in the end things work out I just wish it didn't have to get to the point of an argument to finally reach a solution.
Despite losing her job I think my Mom is extremely thankful. Going to church and seeing how bad some people have it she realizes she is one of the "lucky" ones. Her home is paid for so all she has to worry about is property taxes and home insurance. My brother is doing renovations to her home so she got a new bathroom and the new kitchen is almost complete. She doesn't take that many daily medications so the prices are reasonable and it will be easy to get her on a Medicare Part D prescription plan. She has very little debt; just a car note and a few credit cards to pay off. But I think my Mom is most thankful for me.
One day I snapped at her because she said she hadn't pulled her credit in years. I pull my credit once a year so to tell a person like me that she hadn't looked at her credit in years was the equivalent of saying she had spent her life savings on 1 lottery ticket. So when I snapped at her she said, "Luckily I have a daughter who thinks about those things so I don't have too." Touche.
Well one day we were talking and she said thank you. She acknowledged that it hasn't been easy but she is lucky to have a daughter that is so smart and always on top of things. She said, "I just hope when you get to be my age that you have someone looking out for you like you take care of me." I hate sappy moments so I made a joke. "I thought I didn't have a choice." But even if I did have a choice of course I would choose to help my Mom.
I really think going to church and the various programs and watching the news and seeing how other people are struggling and they don't have someone to help them figure things out made her realize that even though I can be a bitch I really mean well.
So I'm hoping this realization on my Mom's part will lead to more open discussions and less battles.
Showing posts with label Caring For Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Caring For Mom. Show all posts
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Caring For Mom
Once a month I have one of my boy's Mom's come to my apt to clean. She is a retired nurse and just wanted something to do. Well several months ago, before I hired her, I had asked my Mom to clean my place once a month and I would pay her. She said HELL NO!!! I work a full-time job and I have my own house to maintain, hire a maid.
Well my Mom's situation has changed. So one of the first things I offered to her after she got laid off is if I could hire her to clean my place. For some reason she was insulted by my request. So I said FINE, I'll give the money to someone else, excuse me for wanting to pay my Mom to provide me a much needed service. Of course if my Mom needed $100 I would give it to her but I also know that she is the type that doesn't want, like or will accept handouts. I thought cleaning my house was a fair swap. She does it to my nephew all the time. She will pay him to do things for her so what's wrong with me paying her to do something for me?
What I'm learning about my Mom is that she has a very hard time accepting what I say or tell her to do the first time I say it. It's like she has to take a survey of people she knows before she will accept that I'm right. So a few days after I made this offer one of the women that was laid off with her called to check-in. She told her that her sister had made her a similar offer and she jumped on it. Why should that money go to someone else when I need it? My Mom relented. She told her former co-worker that her daughter had offered her the same deal but she had turned it down. Her co-worker laughed and so did my Mom. She realized that she had to get over herself and this wasn't about pride.
My Mom calls me and asks, "So when do you want your place cleaned?" I said excuse me, I thought you said you didn't want to clean my place. So she told me the story I just told y'all. And I'm learning that as her and I move forward through her situation she will need time. What I think might be a great idea she may not be convinced on and just needs time and sometimes someone else to talk to about it before she says yes or no.
When she did come to clean my place she got off easy. Because when I have the maid come I don't stay in the apartment and I don't help her. But my Mom got $100 and an assistant. We cleaned my place together. I did leave for a bit to go to the gym so we wouldn't be in each other's way (or get on each other's nerves). Also as a kid it was always best if I stayed out of her way when she was cleaning. Apparently as an adult that rule still holds true. Not the quality time I would prefer but my Mom likes that kind of thing. She thinks any time spent together is quality time.
Well my Mom's situation has changed. So one of the first things I offered to her after she got laid off is if I could hire her to clean my place. For some reason she was insulted by my request. So I said FINE, I'll give the money to someone else, excuse me for wanting to pay my Mom to provide me a much needed service. Of course if my Mom needed $100 I would give it to her but I also know that she is the type that doesn't want, like or will accept handouts. I thought cleaning my house was a fair swap. She does it to my nephew all the time. She will pay him to do things for her so what's wrong with me paying her to do something for me?
What I'm learning about my Mom is that she has a very hard time accepting what I say or tell her to do the first time I say it. It's like she has to take a survey of people she knows before she will accept that I'm right. So a few days after I made this offer one of the women that was laid off with her called to check-in. She told her that her sister had made her a similar offer and she jumped on it. Why should that money go to someone else when I need it? My Mom relented. She told her former co-worker that her daughter had offered her the same deal but she had turned it down. Her co-worker laughed and so did my Mom. She realized that she had to get over herself and this wasn't about pride.
My Mom calls me and asks, "So when do you want your place cleaned?" I said excuse me, I thought you said you didn't want to clean my place. So she told me the story I just told y'all. And I'm learning that as her and I move forward through her situation she will need time. What I think might be a great idea she may not be convinced on and just needs time and sometimes someone else to talk to about it before she says yes or no.
When she did come to clean my place she got off easy. Because when I have the maid come I don't stay in the apartment and I don't help her. But my Mom got $100 and an assistant. We cleaned my place together. I did leave for a bit to go to the gym so we wouldn't be in each other's way (or get on each other's nerves). Also as a kid it was always best if I stayed out of her way when she was cleaning. Apparently as an adult that rule still holds true. Not the quality time I would prefer but my Mom likes that kind of thing. She thinks any time spent together is quality time.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Caring For Mom
Yesterday I revealed that my Mom was laid off from her job and given her age I've had to jump in to the role of taking care of my Mom. It has already had it's challenges.
My Mom is very independent so I know it's extremely hard for her to have to listen to her 20-something daughter. It's a challenge for parents when they are put in a position where they have to listen to their kids. So our first "debate" was about unemployment. She didn't want direct deposit of her unemployment. I was like are you crazy, do you know how long you will have to wait for your checks if you don't get direct deposit. She reluctantly relented. One week later when she got her unemployment paperwork she was happy that I forced the direct deposit because she would get her unemployment checks in 2 days of her weekly check-in versus waiting 3-7 days for a check to show up in the mail.
Next "debate" was her credit cards. Now y'all know I'm a personal finance junkie. My Mom doesn't quite know the extent of my addiction. She doesn't read my blog, hell she doesn't go on computers. So first she was a little taken aback that I pulled her credit. Now I'm sure you are like how were you able to get past the security questions? I knew just enough about my Mom's finances to be able to answer the questions. I pulled her credit, paid for her credit score, they were all good (surprisingly she has a better score than me). I made her review it to make sure there were no mistakes. That was the easy part.
The hard part was enforcing a debt management plan. My Mom doesn't have a lot of credit cards but she had a Chase card with a 29.99% interest rate. With her credit score there is no reason that she should be paying that much in interest. So I told her to call her credit card company and ask for the interest rate to be reduced. Explain that she has always paid on time, never been late, always pays more than the minimum and has now lost her job. THIS almost sparked World War III. She literally said to me why should she do that. The credit card company will never reduce it....blah, blah, blah. I was like Mom just call, the worse they can say is NO but if you don't ask they aren't going to offer you a lower APR. We argued about this DAILY. Every day I would ask if she called...answer was always no. It got so bad we didn't talk to each other for a few days.
I was pissed that my Mom was being stupid about something that was so easy and she was frustrated with my lack of patience and why I was nagging her about so many different things. I finally broke my wall of silence and called her. SO she told me that she called Chase and they did reduce her interest rate by 13%!!! I was so happy. I was like do you realize how much savings that is? I'm sure she didn't but she get's that 13% is a lot less and clearly it was important to me so it should matter to her.
So I have won a few battles but the war is far from over.
My Mom is very independent so I know it's extremely hard for her to have to listen to her 20-something daughter. It's a challenge for parents when they are put in a position where they have to listen to their kids. So our first "debate" was about unemployment. She didn't want direct deposit of her unemployment. I was like are you crazy, do you know how long you will have to wait for your checks if you don't get direct deposit. She reluctantly relented. One week later when she got her unemployment paperwork she was happy that I forced the direct deposit because she would get her unemployment checks in 2 days of her weekly check-in versus waiting 3-7 days for a check to show up in the mail.
Next "debate" was her credit cards. Now y'all know I'm a personal finance junkie. My Mom doesn't quite know the extent of my addiction. She doesn't read my blog, hell she doesn't go on computers. So first she was a little taken aback that I pulled her credit. Now I'm sure you are like how were you able to get past the security questions? I knew just enough about my Mom's finances to be able to answer the questions. I pulled her credit, paid for her credit score, they were all good (surprisingly she has a better score than me). I made her review it to make sure there were no mistakes. That was the easy part.
The hard part was enforcing a debt management plan. My Mom doesn't have a lot of credit cards but she had a Chase card with a 29.99% interest rate. With her credit score there is no reason that she should be paying that much in interest. So I told her to call her credit card company and ask for the interest rate to be reduced. Explain that she has always paid on time, never been late, always pays more than the minimum and has now lost her job. THIS almost sparked World War III. She literally said to me why should she do that. The credit card company will never reduce it....blah, blah, blah. I was like Mom just call, the worse they can say is NO but if you don't ask they aren't going to offer you a lower APR. We argued about this DAILY. Every day I would ask if she called...answer was always no. It got so bad we didn't talk to each other for a few days.
I was pissed that my Mom was being stupid about something that was so easy and she was frustrated with my lack of patience and why I was nagging her about so many different things. I finally broke my wall of silence and called her. SO she told me that she called Chase and they did reduce her interest rate by 13%!!! I was so happy. I was like do you realize how much savings that is? I'm sure she didn't but she get's that 13% is a lot less and clearly it was important to me so it should matter to her.
So I have won a few battles but the war is far from over.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Role Reversal
My Mom turns 70 this year. You would think she would be retired. Not my Mom. She has collected social security and still worked 40 hours a week. But a few weeks ago she was laid off from her job and we are now in an interesting transition.
My Mom said she was already prepared for a layoff. She saw that work was slowing down and she realized that being older would qualify her to be expendable. At first I was tempted to sue her former employer for age discrimination but given who he laid off at the same time as my Mom I can't prove it.
Me being ME I immediately jumped in to driver mode. Within hours of my Mom telling me she got laid off I had stayed up all night researching stuff on the internet for her basic concerns. Can she collect unemployment and social security? She has Medicare but needs a prescription plan, which one is the best for her? Are there training programs for older adults? What jobs are there for senior citizens that still want to work? What's her credit score and how much debt does she have? What kind of debt consolidation/debt management plan could I come up with for her? I went to work the next day and created a binder of anything and everything I could find that would help her in her situation. Within 24 hours of being laid off the binder was completed. Within 48 hours of her being laid off I signed her up for unemployment and gave her the binder with ASSIGNMENTS. Yes, my crazy ass gave my Mom assignments of what she specifically had to do and when.
I blog about a lot of things and I'm sure some of you are wondering why I waited so long to blog about this but it's because my Mom and I had to adjust to our new roles. What new role is that? I have become the parent and my Mom has become the child. Not to say my Mom isn't still independent but we are definitely at a point where my Mom has to listen and do what I say and that has been very hard for her. So over the course of the year I'll be talking about this role reversal.
I've known for years because my siblings always made it clear that as the youngest our Mother would be my responsibility. And I resented that. I feel like it falls to me because I'm single, no kids and I'm the youngest. But I really feel it should be a shared responsibility. Luckily my Mom is healthy so I don't have to physically take care of her but in terms of her financial future I really do feel it's in my hands.
Anyone else in this situation where you have become the parent to your parent? For those who aren't yet, how are you preparing for your future and the future of your parent(s)?
My Mom said she was already prepared for a layoff. She saw that work was slowing down and she realized that being older would qualify her to be expendable. At first I was tempted to sue her former employer for age discrimination but given who he laid off at the same time as my Mom I can't prove it.
Me being ME I immediately jumped in to driver mode. Within hours of my Mom telling me she got laid off I had stayed up all night researching stuff on the internet for her basic concerns. Can she collect unemployment and social security? She has Medicare but needs a prescription plan, which one is the best for her? Are there training programs for older adults? What jobs are there for senior citizens that still want to work? What's her credit score and how much debt does she have? What kind of debt consolidation/debt management plan could I come up with for her? I went to work the next day and created a binder of anything and everything I could find that would help her in her situation. Within 24 hours of being laid off the binder was completed. Within 48 hours of her being laid off I signed her up for unemployment and gave her the binder with ASSIGNMENTS. Yes, my crazy ass gave my Mom assignments of what she specifically had to do and when.
I blog about a lot of things and I'm sure some of you are wondering why I waited so long to blog about this but it's because my Mom and I had to adjust to our new roles. What new role is that? I have become the parent and my Mom has become the child. Not to say my Mom isn't still independent but we are definitely at a point where my Mom has to listen and do what I say and that has been very hard for her. So over the course of the year I'll be talking about this role reversal.
I've known for years because my siblings always made it clear that as the youngest our Mother would be my responsibility. And I resented that. I feel like it falls to me because I'm single, no kids and I'm the youngest. But I really feel it should be a shared responsibility. Luckily my Mom is healthy so I don't have to physically take care of her but in terms of her financial future I really do feel it's in my hands.
Anyone else in this situation where you have become the parent to your parent? For those who aren't yet, how are you preparing for your future and the future of your parent(s)?
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